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HELPING KIDS STAY SAFE

This page is for anyone wondering what everyday actions can help keep children safe from sexual abuse. It is also for those supporting a child who has experienced abuse and looking for guidance on how to respond with care and support.
If a child in your life has experienced sexual abuse, you might not know how to respond. You may be feeling grief, anger, confusion, or helplessness all while trying to show up with compassion and care. At the Orange County Rape Crisis Center, we are here for you.
You do not have to be a survivor to access our services or call our helpline. We offer free and confidential 24/7 support, guidance, and resources for survivors and “secondary survivors” who are the loved ones, friends, partners, family members, and community members walking alongside someone in their healing.

 

Learn Accurate Information about Child Sexual Abuse (CSA)​

A clear understanding of the realities of sexual violence prepares us to empower children, recognize red flags, and respond to disclosures with confidence and compassion. We can create an intergenerational, communal effort to prevent and respond to CSA if we have the right information.

  • Any sexual act between an adult and a minor, or between two minors when one exerts power over the other through force, coercion, or persuasion.
    • Touching
      • Fondling
      • Kissing
      • Rape
      • Engaging in sexual “games”
      • Physically examining a child for purposes of sexual humiliation or control
      • Asking/forcing a child to interact sexually with someone else
    • Non-Touching
      • Exposing oneself to a minor or asking/forcing a child to expose themselves
      • Exposing a child to sexual acts (including masturbation) either in person, through images, or explicit video
      • Engaging in obscene or sexual conversation (in person, via telephone, messages, etc.)
      • Making a child perform sexual poses
      • Producing, distributing, or owning child sexual abuse material
  • While many people imagine abusers using force, the truth is that most rely on tricks, bribes, flattery, or threats, or subtle forms of manipulation and coercive techniques to abuse children. Many abusers avoid the use of physical force precisely because they know pain makes disclosure more likely. The process of someone building an emotional connection with a child or young person so they can exploit and abuse them is called “grooming”.
  • People who sexually abuse children look like normal, everyday people and can go to great lengths to present an image of trustworthiness and charisma in order to gain access to children. Abusers are often protected by institutional power, and may root themselves in settings where they are likely to gain access to children and youth, such as places of worship, schools, sports leagues, etc. 
  • At least 90% of children who are sexually abused know their abuser. The myth of “stranger danger” is very prevalent, but the person most likely to abuse a child is not a stranger, it’s someone the child knows or trusts like a family member, coach, camp counselor, caretaker, faith leader, authority figure in the community, etc. Abusers manipulate this emotional and social connection so that children do not feel safe or comfortable enough to tell anyone. Abuse most often happens in homes or other private spaces in one-on-one situations.
  • Many survivors are dismissed when they come forward because the person who abused them is well-liked, respected, or holds power within a family, school, workplace, faith community, or other institution. It is important for adults to recognize this common failure in how communities respond to abuse. People who abuse children are often trusted, charismatic, and deeply embedded in their communities. The stereotype that people who harm children are obviously “creepy” or easily identifiable is inaccurate and can prevent adults from recognizing warning signs or believing survivors when they disclose.
  • At least 1 in 10 children will experience sexual abuse before their 18th birthday.
  • Abusers often deliberately target children who have less social support, who are marginalized or ‘othered,’ or who they think won’t be believed if they disclose. Grooming often includes steps that reinforce that, making a child feel isolated or convinced no one will listen to them.
  • When we treat CSA like something that’s rare or unlikely, we put ourselves in denial about the scale of the problem. This denial does not help survivors or keep children safe. Abuse doesn’t occur just because of lone bad actors; abuse continues because adults and institutions fail to protect children. Abuse is enabled when adults dismiss red flags, minimize disclosures, or avoid difficult conversations. Child sexual abuse is common and it happens all around us. Effective prevention strategies must acknowledge this and build protective behavior in adults and empower children in their rights.
  • “Grooming” is a pattern of behaviors used to build trust with a child (and often the adults around them) in order to make sexual abuse easier to commit and less likely to be recognized, reported, or believed.
  • The grooming process can be very manipulative and confusing, and is ultimately intended to increase the abuser’s access to a child and decrease the likelihood of discovery.
  • Abusers almost always begin by developing a nonsexual relationship with a child before any sexual contact occurs. They build trust, create emotional bonds, and meet a need. Sometimes abusers act as a role model, mentor, or figure of emotional support. Humans need attention and emotional connection to survive, which makes children especially vulnerable to manipulation. That’s why it’s possible for a child to despise the abuse, but still feel conflicted because they enjoy other aspects of the relationship.
  • Abusers also target the child’s support network. They build connections with parents, teachers, friends, and caregivers, making themselves well-liked or respected in the community. This creates barriers for children: it makes them afraid they won’t be believed, that they’ll get in trouble, or that the abuse is somehow their fault.
  • Grooming is a gradual process that whittles away boundaries over time and can make children feel compliant or responsible for abuse. Grooming behaviors can include:
    • Giving a child special attention; taking a child on a special outing alone
    • Connecting with the child on their level by familiarizing themselves with the child’s interests
    • Giving the child gifts or money for no apparent reason
    • Forces hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, or wrestling even when the child does not want this physical contact
    • Frequently walking in on children/teens in the bathroom or changing room
    • Teasing or guilting children for setting limits or boundaries
    • Engages in secret interactions with children or teens, such as games, sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual material
    • Excessive emailing, texting, chatting, or calling with child or youth
    • Seems “too good to be true” – i.e. frequently babysits children for free, offers private walks to car under the guise of protection, etc.
    • Frequently points out sexual images or tells sexual jokes in front of children
    • Exposes a child to adult sexual interactions or images
    • Overly interested in the sexual development of a child or teen
    • A significant portion of CSA happens between children. We use the term Problematic Sexual Behavior, or PSBs, to describe children who demonstrate developmentally inappropriate or aggressive sexual behavior. This can include self-focused behaviors, like excessive masturbation, or harmful behavior toward others that involves coercion or force.
    • It’s important to recognize that some “sexual play” is a normal part of child development. For young children, this can include showing or looking at genitals, or sometimes touching another child’s genitals. In healthy development, these actions are playful, happen between children of similar age and ability, and typically stop once adults intervene.
  • Sexual behavior between children is considered problematic when it:
      • Occurs at a high frequency
      • Interferes with child’s social or cognitive development
      • Occurs with coercion, intimidation, or force
      • Is associated with emotional distress for either child involved
      • Occurs between children of significantly different ages and/or developmental abilities 
      • Repeatedly reoccurs in secrecy after intervention by caregivers
  • Confusion about social rules and interactions:
        • May experience typical gestures of friendliness or affection as sexual
        • Explores their own natural sexual curiosity with younger children or those of differing size, status, ability, or power
        • Seeks out the company of younger children and spends an unusual amount of time with them rather than with peers
        • Takes younger children to “secret” places or hideaways or plays “special” games with them (e.g. playing doctor, undressing or touching games, etc.)
        • Insists on physical contact with a child when the child resists the attention
  • Anxious, depressed or seeming to need help:
        • Tells you they do not want to be alone with a child, or group of children, or becomes anxious about being with a particular young person
        • Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused and has not been offered adequate resources and support for recovery
        • Seems to be crying for help, i.e. behaves as if they want to be caught; leaves “clues” or acts in ways that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
  • Impulsively sexual or aggressive:
      • Links sexuality and aggression in language or behavior (e.g. makes sexual threats or insults)
      • Unable to control inappropriate sexual behaviors involving another child after being told to stop
      • Engages in sexually harassing behavior
      • Shares alcohol, drugs, or sexual material with younger children or teens
      • Views sexual images of children on the Internet or elsewhere
      • Forces sexual interaction, including direct contact and non-contact (like exposing genitals) on another adolescent or child
  • Problematic Sexual Behavior (PSB) can be a red flag that a child has experienced abuse, been exposed to inappropriate sexual content, or experienced other forms of trauma. When adults notice problematic sexual behavior in children, it is important to respond thoughtfully and take steps to keep all children safe.
  • There is treatment available that is highly effective and can significantly reduce the likelihood of harmful behaviors continuing over time. Shame, punishment, and disgust are not sufficient methods of addressing PSB or creating change in a child’s behavior. Adults should respond with supervision, clear boundaries, support, and appropriate professional intervention. Children displaying PSBs are still children – and all children deserve guidance, safety, and support. If there is a child in your life who displays PSBs, call or text our 24/7 helpline and we can connect you to resources: (919) 967-7273

Signs of Sexual Trauma

Part of an effective abuse prevention strategy is an awareness of what trauma is and how it shows up in children.

  • Trauma is a psychological and emotional response to an event or an experience that is deeply distressing or disturbing. A traumatic experience can overwhelm the tools that children have to cope. Traumatic stress can alter a child’s brain development and their ability to self-regulate. Trauma can result in persistent experiences of fear, inattention, aggression, lack of impulse control, difficulty in forming attachments, and academic difficulties. Too often, children are punished for these behaviors and the underlying trauma goes unaddressed or unacknowledged.
  • Behaviors that are rooted in traumatic stress can sometimes be difficult, challenging, and frustrating for adults. These behaviors are often labelled as “defiant” or “disrespectful” when the behavior could actually be a sign of distress or unmet needs. If we want to prevent child abuse and responsibly intervene when abuse does occur, we must start from a place of understanding and curiosity. Behavior is communication. Every child is showing us the tools they’ve developed to survive when adults or systems have failed them. That resilience deserves recognition and grace. Understanding how trauma can affect behavior reduces the risk that red flags of trauma or abuse are dismissed.
  • Emotional and Behavioral Signs of Trauma
      • Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
      • Seems distracted or distant at odd times, may refuse to participate in activities at school; may be labelled by other adults as “lazy” or “disengaged”
      • Has a sudden change in eating habits; compulsive eating or dieting
      • Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
      • Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
      • Has knowledge of sexual acts, terms, or websites that are unusual for age or development
      • Has difficulty regulating themselves; may be labelled by other adults as “disruptive” or “aggressive”
      • Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
      • Demonstrates sexually problematic behavior with other children; asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
      • References or refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
      • Returns to outgrown behaviors (bed-wetting, thumb sucking)
      • Secrecy related to their online activity or online friendships
      • May skip school frequently or have poor academic performance
      • Unsafe coping mechanisms like running away, substance abuse, and suicidal ideation
  • Physical Signs of Trauma
      • Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus, or mouth
      • Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
      • Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
      • Self-injurious behavior and/or suicide attempts
  • Considerations and Nuance
    • Abusers can go to significant lengths to ensure there is no physical evidence of their abuse, so emotional and behavioral signs are much more common than physical signs or evidence.
    • Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other anxiety inducing or traumatic events, such as the death of a family member or during a divorce. Some children who have been abused do not display obvious or sudden changes of behavior. Noticing one sign doesn’t necessarily mean that a child was sexually abused, but the presence of several of these warning signs suggests that you begin asking questions, take protective action, and consider seeking help. 
    • Most children do not directly share that they have been abused. More often, their confusion, fear, shame, anger, or distress show up through their behavior. Many behavioral warning signs are dismissed as “behavior problems” or labeled as disrespectful or attention-seeking. Remember, trauma can overwhelm a child’s ability to cope. Approach behavior with curiosity and acknowledge the reality of how children are likely to act if there is a source of traumatic stress in their lives. An awareness of how often red flags are dismissed is one of the most powerful ways we can prevent and interrupt abuse. When children are repeatedly treated as “bad” rather than supported with nurturance, guidance, and understanding, those behaviors may intensify and trust in adults may diminish.

Child Sexual Abuse is an Abuse of Power

Child sexual abuse is not about sexual gratification. Many abusers have consensual sexual relationships with other adults.  Abusers deliberately target children who are marginalized, isolated, or lacking strong social support because those children may be less likely to be believed if they come forward.

This is critical for adults to understand. People who abuse children manipulate and exploit existing power dynamics to reduce the likelihood of accountability. The unconscious assumptions adults make about children can influence who is believed, supported, or dismissed when abuse occurs.

Child sexual abuse being an abuse of power is reflected clearly in the data.

    • Foster children are ten times more likely to be sexually abused than those who live with both biological parents.
    • Children living with a single parent who has a live-in partner are twenty times more likely to be sexually abused than children who live with both biological parents.
    • Risk increases for children who live with a single parent or a step-parent.
    • Children whose parent(s) are not in the workforce are three times more likely to be sexually abused.
    • Children in low socioeconomic households are three times as likely to experience CSA.
    • Black children have almost two times the risk of CSA than their white peers.
    • Ethnically Hispanic children have a greater risk of experiencing CSA than their non-Hispanic white peers.
    • LGBTQ+ individuals are 3.8x more likely to experience sexual abuse compared to sexual non-minority individuals.
    • 12% of transgender youth report being sexually assaulted in K-12 settings by peers or educational staff. 
    • Children with disabilities are more than twice as likely to be abused than their non-disabled peers.
    • 1 in 10 youth detained in juvenile facilities experience sexual assault or sexual abuse while in custody.

It is important to note that the identities children hold are not to blame for their victimization. The way certain children are less valued or protected in our society is to blame for their vulnerability to experiencing abuse and likelihood to receive support when disclosing (i.e. racism and racial marginalization is the risk factor for experiencing abuse, not the racial identity of the child).

  • Georgetown Law published an extensive study (Girlhood Interrupted) on how Black girls are viewed and disciplined in comparison to their peers. The result of their findings were summarized in the term “Adultification Bias.” The study finds that Black children and Black girls are often viewed as older than they really are, and this has wide ranging implications. Compared to white girls of the same age, adults consistently labelled Black girls as in need of less protection and nurturing and as knowing more about sex and other adult topics. For the exact same symptom of “misbehavior,” like speaking out or withdrawal, Black children are more likely to be viewed as disrespectful or as an unmanageable disruption. Across the board, white students are more likely to have the same behavior met with empathetic intervention.
      • What is the link between disproportionate punishments, adultification bias, and child sexual abuse?
        • These unfair stereotypes projected onto Black girls means their age-appropriate behavior is more likely to be perceived as intentional, malicious, aggressive, and even hypersexual by adults. Black girls are consistently labelled as more “knowledgeable about sex” and in need of “less support” than their classmates. Beginning as early as 5 years old, Black girls are more likely to be viewed as older than they really were and being more knowledgeable about adult topics, including sex. Studies have shown that Black boys are also perceived to be older than they actually are and “less innocent” than their white peers. 
        • This discrepancy in how behavior is perceived and treated doesn’t just exist because of a lack of understanding of how trauma symptoms show up in childhood, but also persistent racism and anti-blackness in our communities and schools. 
    • Adultification bias and anti-Blackness can shape how adults respond to Black children experiencing abuse or trauma. Black children are often denied the same assumptions of innocence, vulnerability, and protection afforded to other children. These unconscious beliefs can cause adults to dismiss red flags, disbelieve disclosures, or respond to trauma-related behaviors with punishment instead of support. The isolation and lack of support Black children experience can lead to greater risk of experiencing sexual violence and abuse.
  • It is important to understand that sexual abuse can happen to any child. However, abusers may target children who appear more vulnerable to abuse or less likely to be believed if they disclose. Children with disabilities are about 3 times as likely as their non-disabled peers to experience sexual abuse.
  • Vera Institute of Justice defines Ableism here:
    • Discrimination against people with disabilities, including children, is persistent in our society and is referred to as ableism. Ableism is a value system that deems people without disabilities as the norm or standard and stereotypes people with disabilities as abnormal, weak, dependent, and unintelligent. This value system pervades our society and has resulted in the devaluation, depersonalization, and isolation of children with disabilities. Rendered less valuable, less human, and invisible, children with disabilities become prime targets for sexual abuse.
  • Ableism manifests in many systemic failures that make children with disabilities vulnerable to abuse. Children with disabilities are often excluded from accessible education about their rights, bodies, boundaries, healthy relationships, and consent, which puts barriers in the way of children recognizing and reporting inappropriate behavior. Adults may underestimate their capacity to communicate abuse, dismiss their disclosures, or fail to recognize signs of abuse or trauma. The professionals and institutions responsible for their safety (schools, healthcare systems, disability services, law enforcement, and victim service organizations) may lack the training, accessibility, or resources needed to effectively prevent, recognize, and respond to abuse. Abusers purposefully exploit these systemic failures and social power dynamics.

Take Action

Prevention is possible. There are everyday prevention strategies you can take that make a difference for all children in our community.

Talk About Safety with Children

Many caregivers feel nervous about talking with the children in their lives about body safety and the difference between safe and unsafe touch. It is common to worry that these conversations might be frightening or overwhelming. In reality, talking about body safety is an important way to communicate your love and care. The goal of these conversations is a simple message: I am a safe adult. You can come to me with anything, and I will always listen to you, believe you, and help you. Children deserve to know that they have the right to tell a trusted adult about anything that makes them feel worried, nervous, or scared – no one has the right to make them feel unsafe with a touch, and it’s always okay to talk about it if that does happen.

  • Tell your child that no one has the right to give them a touch on their body that makes them feel unsafe, scared, or worried.
  • “You are the only person who gets to decide what touches you like and what touches you don’t like on your body. If you touch someone’s body and they ask you to stop, you should stop. If someone touches your body and you tell them to stop, they should stop. Your body belongs to you!”
  • A rights-based framing is an effective way to communicate safety procedures to children. Build procedure around what to do if a touch ever makes them feel worried or uncomfortable.
  • “No one has the right to give you an unsafe touch on your body – if that does happen, you have the right to tell someone. Even if it happened a long time ago, even if it’s someone you know and like, even if it didn’t hurt but still made you feel worried, you always have the right to tell an adult you trust. Safety is your right!”
  • Define terms clearly. Give children the words they need to describe their own experiences and feelings.
  • “A safe touch makes you feel happy and it’s a touch that both people like. An unsafe touch is a touch that hurts your body and feelings. An unsafe touch is unwanted. A confusing touch might not hurt your body, but might make you feel worried or confused.”
  • Address secrets plainly. Explain that no one should ask them to keep a secret about a touch. Help them recognize that someone asking them to keep a secret about a touch is a red flag and a sign to tell a trusted adult right away. Trusted adults know how to make unsafe touches stop.
  • “You never have to keep a secret about a touch. If someone tries to get you to keep a secret about a touch or asks you to not tell anyone, you do not need to listen to them. It is always okay to tell a trusted adult about a touch.”
  • Shame and internalized blame prevent many survivors from ever disclosing. Help children understand that they are never to blame if something unsafe ever happens to them. This message can help children feel safe enough to disclose or report inappropriate/abusive behavior.
  • “It’s never your fault if someone gives you an unsafe touch. Even if you didn’t tell them to stop or didn’t tell someone right away, it STILL wouldn’t be your fault, because no one has the right to give you a touch on your body that makes you feel worried, uncomfortable, or scared.”

Be Mindful of Shame

  • Shame prevents many survivors from disclosing. Many survivors of child sexual abuse worry that the abuse was somehow their fault, that they will get in trouble, or their loved ones will see them differently if they disclose what happened. One of the most powerful things you can do is create an environment where your child knows they can come to you without fear of judgment. Open, calm, and nonjudgmental conversations about bodies, boundaries, and safety help children understand that they will be believed, supported, and loved, no matter what.
  • Many families have deeply held beliefs about sex, virginity, and sexuality. It is worth considering what those messages might mean to a child who experiences sexual abuse. If a child learns that sexual behavior makes someone “dirty,” that virginity determines someone’s value, or that being sexually active makes someone less deserving of respect, they may fear that sexual abuse has “damaged” their worth as a human being or that others will judge and reject them if they disclose. Be mindful of how shame-based messages about sexuality can contribute to survivors feeling responsible for their own abuse. Sexual violence is never a survivor’s fault. As a safety measure, ensure that discussions about sex and sexuality make it clear that there is nothing that could happen to a child’s body that makes them less worthy of love, respect, or support. See “Resources for Parents, Caregivers, and Professionals” for shame-free discussion guides and resources.
  • Address realistic scenarios with your child and remind them that an unsafe touch is never their fault. Affirm your care and help your child understand that you will love them and be there for them, no matter what.
    • If you got a touch on your body that made you feel worried or confused, what can you do? (You always have the right to say no, get away, and tell someone! Tell a trusted adult if you ever get an unsafe touch. Even if the touch didn’t hurt, but made you feel weird or nervous, it’s always okay to tell a trusted adult about it. No one has the right to give you a touch on your body that makes you feel mad, sad, scared, worried, or confused.)
    • What if someone gave you an unsafe touch and you didn’t tell them to stop, would that ever make it your fault? (No, of course not! An unsafe touch is NEVER your fault, even if you didn’t tell them to stop. You can always tell a trusted adult – adults know how to make unsafe touching stop!)
    • What if you told an adult that you got an unsafe touch and they didn’t believe you or help you – then what could you do? (Adults are supposed to help you right away if you tell them that you got an unsafe touch on your body. If for some reason you tell an adult and they don’t listen to you, tell ANOTHER adult, keep telling adults UNTIL someone helps you. Better yet, come find me and tell me! It’s my job to help you right away and to keep you safe.)
    • What if someone we know or like gave you an unsafe touch? What should you do? (NO ONE has the right to give you an unsafe touch on your body, and that means NO ONE! Even someone we know or like. If that does happen, tell a trusted adult right away so we can help you and keep you safe.)
    • What if someone gives you an unsafe touch, and then says SH! Don’t tell anyone or else you’ll get in big trouble! Is that a secret you have to keep? (No way! You never have to keep a secret about any touch. It’s always okay to tell.)

Use Anatomically Correct Names

  • Teaching children the correct names for their body parts is an important part of body safety. Just as we teach children the names of their nose, elbow, and belly button, they also need to know the names of their vulva or vagina, penis, and breasts.
  • Using correct anatomical terms helps children communicate clearly about their bodies. If a child ever needs to tell a trusted adult that someone touched them in an unsafe way, using the anatomically correct words can help that adult understand exactly what happened and respond appropriately. Teaching the accurate names for body parts also reinforces the message that these parts of the body are not shameful and that children can talk about them openly when they need help.

Speak Up and Ask Questions

  • You have the right to ask any Youth Serving Organization that you visit about their policies and training around CSA prevention and awareness. You have the right to ask about supervision policies, required training for staff, organizational requirements for responding to red flags or disclosures, how staff is screened, organizational awareness of Problematic Sexual Behavior between children, etc.
  • Have honest conversations and dispel myths about CSA when you hear them. Prevention is possible when there is an intergenerational, communal effort to address abuse. If there is something important that you learned on this page, talk about it with other adults in your life. If you hear a myth about child sexual abuse, talk about the facts and call people in to the ongoing effort to prevent and respond to child sexual abuse in our communities.
  • If you work at a Youth Serving Organization, take steps to ensure a culture of accountability among staff. Working with children should mean that adults support one another in ensuring the protection of those children. Enforce a zero tolerance policy for abusive or unsafe behavior. Make all staff aware of internal reporting mechanisms. Make documentation a priority. See “Resources for Parents, Caregivers, and Professionals” for expert guidance on building infrastructure that can make your organization safer for children and families.

Model What Children Should Expect From Adults

  • One of the most powerful things we can do to keep children safe lies within our own behavior. Model what is possible for the children in your life. Respect a child’s physical boundaries, take their discomfort seriously, and do not belittle or guilt them for saying no to a touch. Make it normal and safe for children to express when they are uncomfortable. This is especially important because grooming can involve manipulating children into ignoring or feeling ashamed of their own boundaries. 
  • When children regularly experience adults respecting their boundaries, this can offer a stark contrast when someone else’s behavior is inappropriate or unsafe. This modeling also helps children learn to respect boundaries in their own friendships. When someone says “stop” or expresses discomfort, model that it is important to listen.
  • Set clear family expectations around touch and talk openly with the adults in your child’s life about respecting boundaries. For example, asking a child whether they want to hug or kiss goodbye, respecting their answer without pressure or disappointment, and thanking them for being honest about what feels comfortable to them. 

Supporting Survivors

Responding to Disclosures

A disclosure of abuse is a very vulnerable moment for a child – remain calm. Something as simple as “I believe you” can go a long way.

    • Believe the child. Acknowledge the child’s feelings, and thank them for telling you. Remember that less than 1% of reports from children are false or fabricated. Take any disclosure of abuse seriously. 
  • “I believe you. I am so glad that you told me.”
    • Listen and respond calmly. Let the child lead the way in communicating about what happened. Remain calm and gentle. Give them your undivided attention and practice active listening and non-judgement.
  • “You can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable sharing with me. I’m always here to listen to you and keep you safe.”
    • Empower by reminding the child that an unsafe touch is never their fault. Explain to the child what will happen next, especially if you need to make a report or tell another adult in order to keep them safe. Give the child as much choice as possible, when possible.
  • “It is not your fault that this happened. No one has the right to give you an unsafe touch. I’m going to need to talk to ___ so that we can work together to keep you safe. Would you like to read a book together after or watch a movie?”
    • Support and reassure the child. Tell them that you are glad you told them and that you want to help them.
  •  “I am so glad you told me. You are so brave. I am going to do what I can to keep you safe.”
  • (Keep) Safe. Take action to ensure safety from further abuse. Take notes immediately after the disclosure and document direct quotes from the child. You may need to report to your school’s counselor, Department of Social Services and/or law enforcement to ensure safety of the child. Please contact the Orange County Rape Crisis Center if you are unsure of your legal reporting requirements or if you need emotional support in the aftermath of a disclosure. Our 24/7 Helpline is: 919-967-7273.
  • Express anger towards the harm-doer in front of the child. It’s normal to feel strong emotions when a child discloses abuse, but try not to show intense anger in front of them. This may make the child feel as though they did something wrong, and may even retract their disclosure. Focus first on supporting the child, and process your own emotions later with support.
  • Attempt to confront the harm-doer yourself. Focus on the child’s immediate safety and well-being, document what was shared as accurately as possible, and contact professionals for support, guidance, and next steps.
  • Probe, interrupt, press, or interrogate the child. Listen calmly and attentively, and allow a moment of silence after they speak so they have space to finish their thoughts. You can then ask gentle, open-ended questions and offer reassurance. Pressuring a child for details can feel overwhelming during an already vulnerable moment.
  • Make promises you can’t keep. Do not make promises like “I will make sure this never happens again,” or “I will make sure they get in big trouble.” Keep your response focused on the child and their safety. “I am always going to listen to you, I’m going to do everything I can to keep you safe”
  • Suggest answers or ask leading questions. Do not assume information about what happened or what the child feels. Making assumptions about the experience can confuse a child, influence their response, or make them feel pressured to answer a certain way. For example, asking “How did that make you feel?” instead of “Did that make you feel scared?” Mirror the language the child uses to describe their experience without introducing new words or labels. If the child uses terms you do not understand, it is okay to gently ask for clarification. See “Resources for Parents, Caregivers, and Professionals” for examples of trauma-informed, open ended questions.
  • Make the child repeat their experience more than is absolutely necessary. Having to retell over and over can be retraumatizing. Take notes immediately after the disclosure to have documentation about what was said.
  • Promise to keep what they tell you a secret. Explain who you must report it to, and what that process will look like.
  • Feel like you have to do this alone. There is a community of advocates and survivors around you who can help you process, offer understanding, and connect you to resources. Taking care of yourself can help you support the survivors in your life. Our 24/7 Helpline is: 919-967-7273.

After a Disclosure

  • In the state of North Carolina, it is required by law for an adult who suspects a child abuse and/or neglect by a parent, guardian, custodian or caretaker to report to the Department of Social Services ((N.C. Gen. Stat. § 7B-301)). The law also states that “any person 18 years of age or older who knows or should have reasonably known that a juvenile has been or is the victim of a violent offense, sexual offense, or misdemeanor child abuse under G.S. 14-318.2 shall immediately report the case of that juvenile to the appropriate local law enforcement agency in the county where the juvenile resides or is found.” 
  • Please refer to the NC Coalition Against Sexual Assault for updated information on legal reporting requirements. You can also contact the Orange County Rape Crisis Center if you are unsure of your mandated reporting obligations or if you need support through the reporting process. Call or text OCRCC’s 24/7 Helpline: 919-967-7273.
  • While it is important to understand your legal reporting requirements, for many families in the United States involvement with the child welfare system is, and historically has been, traumatic. Black and Native families  disproportionately have the child welfare system weaponized against them. It is not helpful to ignore the reality that Child Protective Services exists as a carceral and surveilling force for many. Taking child safety seriously also means acknowledging the very real fears families have about what can happen after a report is made.
  • Communication with OCRCC advocates is confidential and protected by law. Rape criss center advocates cannot break confidentiality without your permission, however: Advocates are required to break confidentiality and report sexual abuse to DSS if a child is abused by a caretaker, guardian, parent, or custodian. If information you share requires a report, an advocate will be transparent with you about legal reporting requirements. 
  • If you are worried about mandatory reporting, you have the right to ask an OCRCC advocate about reporting requirements before sharing identifying information. You have the right to ask questions, learn about your options, and receive emotional support without immediately disclosing everything about your experience. You decide what you share and an OCRCC advocate can offer you emotional support and connect you to further resources.
    • Have compassion and patience for expressions of trauma. As stated in our “Signs of Sexual Trauma” section, trauma does not always look like clear communication from a child. It can look like anger, sadness, fear, frustration, confusion, withdrawal, irritability, overwhelm, or grief. Children need adults who can make room for these feelings and respond with patience, tenderness, and the understanding needed to help build coping skills. A survivor’s behavior is likely to reflect the dysregulation and heightened emotional state that often accompanies a trauma. Learning about trauma symptoms in children can help you prepare for what to expect and respond in a trauma-informed way. Your role is not to make difficult feelings disappear, but instead to be a safe place for a child to feel.
    • Maintain routines. Whenever possible, maintain consistent and predictable routines. Trauma can leave survivors feeling powerless and disoriented. Familiar routines can help children know what to expect in their day and regain a sense of stability, normalcy, and control. Having regular routines around meals, school, activities, and bedtime can be a small and practical comfort as you work together to build a sense of safety.
  • Be open to conversation on their terms. Let the survivor know that you are here to listen if and when they want to talk. Some survivors may want to talk about their experiences frequently, while others may not want to discuss them at all. Both responses are valid. Avoid pressuring, repeatedly questioning, or encouraging a child to share more than they are ready to share. Instead, let them guide the conversation and meet them where they are. You might say, “How are you feeling today?” or “You can always come to me if you are worried about something, and I would be glad to listen to you.”
  • Find support for the survivor and yourself. Talking with a therapist, advocate, or support group can give survivors and their loved ones space to process and find support from people who understand. It’s okay to not know exactly what you need or be ready to talk about everything – a good therapist, support group, or advocate can meet you where you are and help you feel less alone. OCRCC advocates can help you explore options, answer questions, and connect you with resources that fit your needs, including options based on your budget and insurance status. You are not alone and do not have to figure it all out by yourself.

Resources for Parents, Caregivers, and Professionals

Common Questions

  • In the Safe Touch program, we make the distinction of “Safe and Healthy.” Sometimes, a trusted adult needs to help you with your body to keep you safe and healthy, like during a bath or a visit to the doctor. The only time it is safe for someone to touch your private parts is when they are helping you.
  • If children are uncomfortable with a touch that needs to happen to keep them safe and healthy, it is an adult’s job to help them feel as comfortable as possible. Validate that it is okay to feel uncomfortable or bored, and look for ways to give children choices and make the experience feel more playful. During bath time, you might pretend to be frogs who need to get clean before they can hop out of the tub, or listen to their favorite song while washing their hair. At the doctor’s office, you might pretend to be royalty going on a very important medical mission, bring a favorite stuffed animal to be a fellow patient, or let them pick a fun activity to look forward to afterward. 
  • Remind children that a touch on their body never needs to be a secret, even when a touch is to help them stay safe and healthy. That is one reason a trusted adult stays with you at the doctor! 
  • It can be difficult and frightening to be concerned about a child and not know what is happening. You do not need to pressure a child to disclose in order to support them. It’s okay to talk to your child if you are concerned, but repeatedly asking questions, expressing frustration, or urging a child to tell you what happened can make them feel overwhelmed or less safe. Visit our “Responding to Red Flags and Disclosures” resource for examples of open-ended questions to ask if you notice a red flag. 
  • Continue creating emotional safety in your everyday interactions. Remind your child that you are there for them, that they can talk to you about anything, and that you will always listen and support them. Sometimes, knowing that a trusted adult is available without judgment or pressure can help a child feel safe enough to share when they are ready.
  • If you have a concern about a child’s immediate safety or believe abuse may be occurring, seek appropriate professional help rather than waiting for the child to disclose. You can call or text the OCRCC 24/7 Helpline for support and connect with other trusted adults in your child’s support system, such as a school counselor or other professional who knows your child.
  • Less than 1% of reports of sexual abuse from children are false or fabricated. Indeed, what is much more common is children falsely recant their disclosure at a later time because they are not believed or supported – meaning the child later states that abuse never occurred when it did. Negative reactions or disbelief from adults may have lasting negative effects on sexual abuse survivors.
  • Research clearly shows that the response of the first person the child discloses greatly affects the child’s healing process; if that person does not believe the child or blames the child, the child most often has a much more difficult time healing from the abuse than a child who is believed and validated. If a child tells you they have experienced abuse, believe them. See our “Supporting Survivors” section on this page for what to do when a survivor discloses.
  • That’s okay! It may never be an “emergency.” Regardless, you want your child to build the skill of coming to you if something ever scares them or makes them worried. Even if it’s not an “emergency,” you can always validate the feelings and thank them for sharing with you. It’s a good sign that your child feels safe enough to come to you and share things about their world.