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HOW TO HELP A FRIEND

When someone you care about experiences sexual violence, you might not know how to respond. You may be feeling grief, anger, confusion, or helplessness all while trying to show up with compassion and care. At the Orange County Rape Crisis Center, we're here for you, too.

You do not have to be a survivor to access our services or call our helpline. We offer support, guidance, and resources for “secondary survivors” who are the loved ones, friends, partners, family members, and community members walking alongside someone in their healing. This page is here to help you navigate how to be present, offer meaningful support, and take care of yourself in the process.

LEARN ACCURATE INFORMATION ABOUT SEXUAL VIOLENCE

The more we understand about sexual violence, the better we can support those impacted by it. Misinformation, like myths about who commits assault, what “counts” as sexual violence, or how a “real” survivor should act, can deepen a survivor’s shame, self-doubt, or isolation. Supporting someone doesn’t mean that you have all of the answers, but educating yourself can help you respond in ways that affirm, not harm.

  • Sexual violence is any sexual activity that happens without consent. This includes a wide range of behaviors, including sexual harassment and stalking. Sexual violence can involve physical force or weapons, but it can also involve manipulation, coercion, pressure, threats, or exploiting a power imbalance.
  • A person does not have to say the word “no” for something to be non-consensual. People express boundaries in many ways, including silence, freezing, or trying to leave. Someone who is asleep, unconscious, or intoxicated cannot give consent. Consent must be clear, informed, and freely given and can be withdrawn at any time. Flirting isn’t consent. Clothing isn’t consent. Being coerced isn’t consent. Only a clear and enthusiastic yes means yes. 
  • Sexual violence is a violation of power and autonomy. It may be used to hurt, humiliate, dominate, or control another person. Sexual violence happens because someone made the choice to cross a boundary, ignore consent, or use sexual harm as a form of power. Sexual violence doesn’t happen because someone was wearing the “wrong” thing, drinking too much, flirting, or walking alone at night. These are myths. Sexual violence is a choice made by the person who caused harm. No one ever “deserves” to be assaulted. 
  • Any form of sexual violence can be a degrading, disempowering, and traumatic experience. It is normal for survivors to feel confused or have difficulty remembering details about the assault. A survivor having inconsistent memories, conflicting memories, or lapses in memory does not mean that the survivor is lying. This is normal and a common symptom of trauma for many survivors.
  • Most survivors never report and that doesn’t mean the violence didn’t happen. People stay silent for many reasons: fear, shame, trauma, mistrust of systems, or pressure from people around them. Reporting is a personal choice and every survivor has the right to decide what healing and justice looks like for them. 
  • The majority of sexual violence is committed by someone the survivor knows: a romantic or sexual partner, friend, family member, coworker, teacher, or peer. This can make it harder to report or even recognize the abuse. But sexual violence is still violence, even when it comes from someone we know.
  • Sexual violence affects people of every gender, race, age, ability, and background. Nationally, about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men experience sexual violence during their lifetime. The rates are even higher for LGBTQ+ individuals and people with disabilities.

Sexual violence is NEVER the survivor’s fault. It is never your fault if someone commits an act of sexual violence towards you, even if you didn’t tell them to stop. No one has the right to commit an act of sexual violence towards you.

UNDERSTAND TRAUMA RESPONSES

Experiencing something overwhelming, frightening, or violating can cause trauma to someone’s nervous system. A trauma like sexual violence can cause someones body to go into a survival mode (often called fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) to protect them from danger. Everyone responds to trauma differently. Survivors may experience a wide range of emotional, physical, and behavioral responses after experiencing sexual violence, and these responses can change over time. These behaviors are not signs of weakness or failure. They are survival responses to a disrupted sense of safety. There’s no one “right” way to heal and no timeline for how healing should look.

Understanding how trauma affects behavior, memory, emotions, and relationships can help you offer support without judgment. As someone who loves a survivor, your role is not to “fix” these reactions, but to meet your loved one with patience, compassion, and understanding.

  • Intense sadness, fear, anger, irritability, or shame
  • Mood swings or emotional numbness
  • Feeling detached or “not like myself”
  • Guilt or self-blame (even though sexual violence is never their fault)

Emotional changes can sometimes be disorienting, unpredictable, and overwhelming for the survivor to experience. Reassure your loved one that you will be there for them, regardless of the emotional changes they might experience. You can say:

  • “Whatever you’re feeling is okay. You don’t have to make sense of it right now.”
  • “You don’t have to explain or apologize. I have space for how confusing this all is.”
  • “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and unsure. I will be with you for all of it.”
  • “It’s normal to feel worried, but rape/assault/harrassment is never your fault. No one has the right to make you feel unsafe.”
  • “I love you even in the moments when you don’t feel like yourself.”
  • Trouble remembering details of the assault or the time around it
  • Conflicting or fragmented memories
  • Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
  • Feeling disoriented or confused

This is normal. Trauma affects the parts of the brain that store and organize memory. Gaps or inconsistencies don’t mean someone is lying or exaggerating, they are common signs of the brain protecting itself. You can say:

  • “You don’t have to remember everything for it to be real.”
  • “It’s okay if it’s hard to talk about or hard to remember. I still believe you.”
  • “I don’t have to know every detail to be here for you now. You don’t have to explain.”
  • Fatigue or insomnia
  • Headaches, stomach issues, muscle tension
  • Hypervigilance (feeling constantly on edge or easily startled)
  • Feeling disconnected from their body (dissociation)

These are physical signs that the body is still responding to trauma. Respond with patience and steadiness. You can say:

  • “Your body has been through a lot. You make a lot of sense to me.”
  • “Breathing deeply can help remind your body that you are in a safer place. Can I take some deep breaths with you?”
  • “You aren’t a burden for needing some extra care or rest.”
  • Withdrawing from others
  • Avoiding places, people, or situations that feel unsafe
  • Changes in eating, sleeping, or hygiene habits
  • Risk-taking or self-harming behaviors

Trauma can disrupt a person’s sense of safety and control. These behaviors may be coping strategies, even if they seem unhealthy or odd from the outside. If you’re concerned about their safety, it’s okay to gently ask, but avoid shaming or controlling them. You can say:

  • “I’ve noticed you seem more [withdrawn/tired/etc.]. Want to talk about it?”
  • “You deserve to feel safe and supported. I’m here if you ever want help.”
  • “Talking to someone can help you feel grounded and safe. If you ever wanted to call a helpline, you don’t have to do it alone. I can be with you.”
  • “I have noticed _____. We can talk about it as much or as little as you want, but I bring it up to let you know I’m here to support you and that you aren’t alone.”
  • Difficulty trusting others
  • Fear of emotional or physical intimacy
  • Pulling away from loved ones or needing constant reassurance
  • Feeling unsafe even with people they know and love

Trauma can make even the safest relationships feel overwhelming. Let them know they are in control of the pace and closeness of your connection. You can say:

  • “I care about you, and I want to respect what feels comfortable for you right now.”
  • “You don’t have to explain yourself. I’m here to support you in whatever way feels safe for you.”

WHAT TO DO IF A SURVIVOR CONFIDES IN YOU

Supporting someone who has experienced sexual violence can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. What matters most is showing up with empathy, patience, and a willingness to listen. Even something simple like “I believe you” can make a big difference.

One of the most powerful things you can do is to believe your loved one without doubt or judgment. Survivors often fear they won’t be taken seriously or that they’ll be blamed for what happened. When you respond with compassion, it builds a foundation of safety and trust. You can say:

    1. “I believe you.”
    2. “This is not your fault.”
    3. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
    4. “Do you want to talk more about it or tell me how you’re feeling right now?”

It’s normal to feel shocked, angry, or heartbroken when you have learned that a loved one has experienced sexual violence, but it’s important to center the survivor’s needs first. Try not to put the survivor in the position of comforting you, de-escalating your emotions, or feeling guilty for upsetting you. Stay calm and practice self care after. You can say: 

      1. “I’m so glad you told me.” 
      2. “I’m here to support you, believe you, and listen to you.”
      3. “You can share as much or as little as you want.”
      4. “Whatever you are feeling right now makes sense to me.”
      5. “You aren’t alone in this. I’m here with you. I’ve got you.”

 

Make sure they are no longer in immediate danger. Ask them what they need to feel physically and emotionally safe. Don’t assume. Listen closely, and support them in taking steps that make them feel secure, even if you’d choose something different. You can say:

    1. “Do you feel safe right now?”
    2. “Would it help to go or stay somewhere else for a while?”
    3. “Is there anything I can do to help you feel safer, physically or emotionally?”
    4. “Whatever you decide, I’ll support you.”

You can call or text our 24/7 Helpline at (919) 967-7273 to speak to an advocate. We can help you figure out what your options are. Important notes to keep in mind:

    • You and your loved one don’t have to know what you need in order to call. Our advocates here to help you figure it out, even if what you need is just a non judgemental space to talk. If your loved one experienced sexual violence a long time ago, you can still reach out to us for support. It is never too late. Here’s how our advocates can help:
      1. Confidential, non judgemental support to talk through what you’re experiencing.
      2. Crisis intervention and safety planning to help you feel safer, now and long-term.
      3. Referrals to therapy and support groups for healing and connection.
      4. Advocacy in legal, medical, and school systems – we can go with you to important places and meetings for support. Court, hospitals, social services, HR, school, employers, housing, etc.
      5. Help understanding your rights and navigating your options.
      6. Support with reporting and interviews if that is something you decide to do. You don’t have to go through it alone.
      7. Immigration support with U visas, T visas, and safety planning.
      8. Emergency assistance with money, housing, safety, transportation, childcare, or interpretation.
      9. Help planning next steps. We’ll connect you with resources and support for whatever comes next.
    • Sexual violence can be a traumatic and disempowering experience. Our advocates will help you and the survivor understand their options, but it’s important to allow your loved one to make their own decisions about their healing process. Do not make decisions for them.
    • If your loved one wants a forensic exam (sometimes called a “rape kit”), encourage them not to bathe, shower, or change clothes if possible. If they already have, evidence collection can still be done in many cases. They do not need to report to law enforcement to receive medical care. If they choose to file a police report, they can make a report without giving their name.

Let them lead the way in talking about what happened. Don’t push for details or share their story with anyone else unless they’ve explicitly said it’s okay. This includes well-meaning family and friends. You can say:

    1. “I will keep this private unless you tell me it’s okay to share.”
    2. “If there is anyone you’d like me to help you tell, let me know.”
    3. “You’re in control of who knows what. I’ll follow your lead.”

This provides reassurance while they work to re-establish a sense of control over their life. Structure and predictability can help survivors feel grounded. Offer to do familiar things together like meals, walks, or movies without pressuring them to be “okay.” You can say:

    1. “Would it feel good to do something normal, like cook together or watch something funny?”
    2. “I’m here to hang out or just keep you company. There’s no pressure for us to do anything aside from just be together.”

It’s ok to seek help for yourself while you are also helping others. Loving someone who has experienced sexual violence can stir up intense feelings like rage, fear, guilt, sadness, helplessness. You may be grieving in your own way or navigating how this impacts your relationship. That’s normal and you deserve support, too. You can always call or text OCRCC’s 24/7 helpline (919-967-7273) as a secondary survivor. Our advocates are trained to help loved ones of survivors process their feelings, answer questions, and offer next steps without judgment. If you are also a survivor, supporting someone else may bring up memories or pain from your own experience. That’s okay. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings and reach out if you need to.

WHAT TO AVOID

Healing for survivors is deeply personal. Your role is not to “fix” what happened, but to walk beside your loved one in a way that affirms their resilience and autonomy. Here are some common missteps to avoid and why they matter:

  • Let the survivor decide if, when, and how they want to share their story. Pressuring them to open up before they’re ready or share details they don’t want can be invasive. It’s natural to want to understand what happened, but focusing on specific details can feel interrogative and upsetting to the survivor. Center their feelings and needs in the present, not the facts of the event.
    • Instead: Allow the survivor to choose what and how much they share.
      • “You can share as much or as little as you want.”
      • “I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.”
      • “I believe you, regardless of how much you feel comfortable sharing. I’m here for you no matter what.” 
      • “I have space for whatever you need to say.”
  • Survivors may decide not to report, seek medical care, leave a relationship, or follow a path that you wouldn’t have chosen for yourself. Their choices are a reflection of what they need to feel safe and in control. Respecting their autonomy means trusting that they know what’s best for their own healing.
    • Instead: Validate their feelings and affirm their control in their own healing process.
      • “You are the person who knows what you need for healing. I’ll support you in your choices.”
      • “It’s your choice whether or not to talk to a doctor, a counselor, or anyone else. I’ll be with you either way.”
      • “There is no ‘right way’ to heal. There is no ‘one way’ to heal.”
      • “I trust you. Is there something I can do that helps you feel more supported in your choices?”
      • “Whatever you decide to do next, I’m with you.”
      • “There are options, and you get to choose what feels right for you.”
    • It can be tempting to jump into action when a survivor discloses to you. You might want to make calls, offer advice, or start planning the next steps. But trauma can take away a person’s sense of agency, and reclaiming that power is part of healing. Try not to make decisions for them, even if you’re trying to protect them. Don’t assume what they are feeling or what they need. 
    • Instead: Offer support without pressure or expectation.
        • “What feels most helpful to you right now?” 
        • “Would you like me to do that, or would you prefer to do it yourself?”
        • “Would you like to call the helpline together, or do you want me to just sit with you?
        • “Do you want me to go with you, or would you prefer to go alone?”
        • “Would you like me to help you explore your options, or just be here with you in this moment?”

CARING FOR YOURSELF

Supporting someone who has experienced sexual violence can be emotionally and mentally exhausting, even when you’re doing it with love. You may feel overwhelmed, heartbroken, confused, or helpless. You might also feel anger, fear, guilt, or grief. All of that is normal. You are not expected to carry it alone. You deserve care, too. When you tend to your own emotional needs, you’re better able to show up with patience, presence, and clarity for your loved one.

Self-care is about noticing what you need and finding ways to meet those needs without shame. By asking yourself the following questions, your answers create a plan for when you find yourself approaching an emotional tipping point:

  • Who can I talk to if I begin to feel emotionally overwhelmed?
      • Examples might look like a close friend, a trusted family member, a therapist or counselor, an external helpline, etc.
  • How do you prefer to receive support from others when your emotions are escalated?
      • Think about what behavior from others helps you recenter yourself. Do you need a quiet presence, problem-solving, space to vent, space to be alone, affirmation, etc.
  • What helps my body calm down?
      • Examples might look like taking slow breaths, holding a calming object, listening to music, sipping cold water, repeating a comforting mantra, doodling or coloring, stretching gently, resting in a quiet space, etc.

You can always call or text OCRCC’s 24/7 Helpline at (919) 967-7273 even if you’re not a survivor. Our trained advocates are here to help secondary survivors like you feel seen, supported, and informed.

When you reach out, we can:

  • Listen to what you’re going through without judgment
  • Help you process your own emotions in a safe, confidential space
  • Offer guidance on how to support your loved one in a trauma-informed way
  • Help you create a self-care or coping plan that’s realistic and sustainable
  • Connect you to resources, like support groups, counseling, reading materials, and more

HOW TO HELP A FRIEND PRINT OUT