In honor of Relationship Violence Awareness Month, we bring you the first in a blog series by our resident expert on high school students,  Trinity Casimir.

What does an abusive relationship look like? When having conversations in school health classes or watching a movie, an abusive relationship conjures up certain images: a woman taking her children and escaping her husband on a Greyhound bus, broken dishes on the floor, a child carefully choosing outfits to conceal bruises, yelling in the night. While these scenarios are real and devastating, they do not encompass the full definition of abuse. What about the people suffering when no one has laid a finger on them? What about the men and boys pressured to appear invincible when they are hurt? What about high school students, whose relationships are fundamentally different from those of married couples, or even adults in general?

While most students are taught how to identify abuse, they may only be taught to see a narrow set of signs.  According to stoprelationshipabuse.org, relationship abuse includes a wide variety of tactics used to create a power imbalance in the relationship. Behaviors like emotional coercion, isolation, and intimidation can be used in any relationship at any age. A primary reason many teenagers in abusive relationships struggle to name that reality is because they do not identify with the victim that they see portrayed in media or that they learn about in health class. Likewise, teenagers who engage in abuse excuse their behavior because they have never seen themselves as the abuser. What abuse looks like in a high school relationship has yet to be illustrated, and toxic behaviors are quickly becoming normalized. In my school, it is almost commonplace for a partner to prevent their significant other from talking to groups of people or wearing certain clothes, to guilt trip and threaten them. These are all real forms of abuse but are often dismissed simply as childish behavior or as a result of hormones.

Another primary reason abusive relationships in high school go unaddressed is a failure on the part of adults to take teenagers’ relationships seriously. Adults who do not consider the gravity of teenagers’ romantic lives will fail to recognize the severity of abuse when it happens, which in turn deters high schoolers from reporting abuse. By seeking help, a student risks retribution, and when the adult takes no action, a student is left even more vulnerable. When students feel that they have no adult support or advocacy, they are severely limited in their options to escape an abusive relationship.

Some resources do, however, center teen lives and provide insight into how to help teens cope with relationship abuse. The website loveisrespect.org demonstrates the obstacles that youth in particular face in abusive relationships, and goes further to highlight the ways that identity matters with an exploration of special issues for certain cultures, LGBT+ couples, and immigration status that can further hinder someone from seeking help or addressing the toxicity of their relationship. For the more visually-minded, the One Love Foundation has created a series of videos on Youtube clearly contrasting healthy and unhealthy behaviors in a relationship. These videos give scenarios that allow for a difficult topic to be easily understood and are an excellent teaching tool for parents and teachers. The foundation also produced a film called “Escalation” that is recommended for a high school workshop.

So to answer the question, “What does an abusive relationship look like?”, it takes many different forms- all of which are valid and important to identify. Abusive relationships in high school remain underrepresented in the media, so we must take it upon ourselves to question “normalized” behaviors and encourage teenagers to do so in their own lives. Pushing for authority figures in schools to become educated on various types of abuse is also fundamental to create a supportive community that can ensure a safer environment for high schoolers.

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Trinity is is volunteer at the OCRCC and a student at East Chapel Hill High School. She is interested in sociology and the intersections between gender, race, and sexual assault as well as the presence of rape culture among youth. She is also a member of the Youth Against Rape Culture club at East.

If you are concerned that your child has been exposed to inappropriate touching or child sexual abuse, you might wonder how to begin a conversation. With years of experience as both parent and educator, I’d like to offer some guidance on where to start with this difficult topic.

Start by talking about touches and who they like them from. I like to start the conversation by asking if I could give them a high five or a hug. I respect their response. I then talk about different types of touches so they understand that they may like some touches, but not others.

Do you like hugs? Holding hands? Tickles? Kisses?

Then talk about who they like certain touches from.

Do you like hugs from me? Your friend? Your teacher? Your brother or sister?

When do you like those touches?

This lets them know they can like different touches from different people and at different times.

Once this base of understanding is established, you can then talk about feelings around certain people.

How do you feel when you are around___________?

(If they are young and don’t have a large feelings vocabulary, try offering some examples such as happy, safe, worried, sad, and uncomfortable.)

Young children might not be able to relate detailed and chronological descriptions, but they will remember how experiences and interactions made them feel.

Has anyone has touched your body in a way that makes you feel hurt or sad?

Has anyone touched your body without asking first?

Kids might start listing all the times a kid at school or a sibling poked, pinched, or hit them. If you try to justify the actions, explain why it happened, or say it wasn’t a big deal, the child will learn that it is not safe to share with you. Listen to them and validate their feelings. They may be testing you with these stories to see how you will respond and if they can trust you enough to share a story about something that really hurt or scared them.

Has anyone touched the private parts of your body?

If they mention things like helping in the bathroom or getting dressed or at the doctor, explain that it is okay for some grownups to touch your private parts if they are helping to keep you safe and healthy. However, they should still ask first. If they don’t feel comfortable with some adults helping them, make a plan for what they can do to get help from a different adult – an adult they trust.

Has anyone told you to keep a secret that is making you feel worried/sad/scared?

A common tactic of offenders is to tell the child to keep it secret, with the explicit or implied threat of getting in trouble if they tell.

Your body belongs to you. If something that someone said or did is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, it is not your fault.

You deserve to feel safe and I want to help you.

If the child talks about touches they don’t like, people that make them feel sad or uncomfortable, or instances of inappropriate touch, you can validate their feelings and let them know it is not their fault.

It is okay to like different touches from different people.

I can understand how that would make you feel that way.

You look worried or upset, can you tell me how it makes you feel to talk about this?

If someone didn’t ask you first, then it was not okay for them to touch your body at all.

If someone showed you their private parts or asked you to touch them, and you did, it is not your fault. They knew it was wrong and they should not have done that.

If at any point they disclose sexual touching or abuse, stay calm. If you demonstrate anger toward the person that did that, the child might also think you are mad at them, or that they did something wrong. They need your support and help.

Thank you for sharing with me.

I know it is hard/scary/confusing to talk about this and you are so brave.

It is not your fault, you have not done anything wrong.

No one should touch your body without your permission.

Then call DSS to make a report. And you can always call our 24-Hour Help Line for support, concerns, or questions. We can help you make a report if you’d like.

Even if your child does not disclose inappropriate touching, don’t stop the conversation. Revisit this with your young children on a regular basis. The best protection for children is prevention. Let your child know that their body belongs to them and you respect that. And always model asking before touching.

Every night before bed, I ask my growing son if he would like a hug or a kiss. Some days he says yes and some days he says no. In fact, he is 12 now and most days he says no. But every once in a while he says yes and squeezes me tight. I want him to know that I will respect his body autonomy and that I am always there if he needs a little extra physical and emotional support.

When I model this behavior for my child, I am hopeful that he will internalize the concept of consent before touching and be comfortable with asking, especially when he starts having intimate relationships. This is true prevention.

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Alexis Kralic is our Education & Finance Coordinator. In addition to managing the agency’s finances and bookkeeping, she coordinates Safe Touch, our safety education program for preschool and elementary students.

If you want to learn more please join us at our next Stewards of Children training. Info below:

We are excited to announce the panel of judges of this year’s cupcake contest at Cupcakes & Cocktails! These judges will taste test our contestants’ delicious cupcake creations in order to award the Best Cupcake and Runner Up.

Plus, YOU be the judge when you join us for Cupcakes & Cocktails this Sunday, June 11, where we will also award a People’s Choice cupcake.

Eric Hodge

WUNC

Eric Hodge hosts WUNC’s broadcast of Morning Edition, and files reports for the North Carolina news segments of the broadcast. He started at the station in 2004 doing fill-in work on weekends and All Things Considered.

In August 2004, he took over the Morning Edition slot where he enjoys the challenge of bringing North Carolina news to listeners each weekday. Eric moved to Carrboro from New York City in 2000. He worked for the BBC and XFM radio while living in London, England. He has also run his own music marketing company, worked for major record labels in both New York and London, and worked on the Grammy Award nominated Harry Belafonte project, “The Anthology of Black Music.”

Eric grew up in Michigan, trained at the Broadcast Center in St. Louis with CBS’s KMOX radio and worked at a variety of stations in the Midwest and upstate New York.

Paola de Maayer

Fearrington House Restaurant

Paola was born and raised in Costa Rica. Originally working in the corporate world with a focus on human resources and management, she decided to pursue her true passion after relocating to the US. During her time in culinary school Paola was selected to work at the Food Network in New York City, developing and testing recipes. She joined Fearrington’s team as a cake designer in early 2015 and was promoted to Pastry Sous Chef in 2016.

Allison Hussey

Indy Week

Allison Hussey is the music editor at INDY Week, where she also occasionally writes about biscuits and junk food. Her writing has also appeared at Pitchfork, Bandcamp, Noisey, and The Bluegrass Situation. She grew up in Cary and now lives in Durham with a fat cat named Barry.

Christin Kubasko

Southern Sugar Bakery

Born and raised in Raleigh, Christin received her undergraduate degree from Meredith College (2010) and her Master’s degree from Appalachian State University (2012). After working for 3 years as a high school counselor for WCPSS, Christin pursued a dream she’d had for years and opened Southern Sugar Bakery with her friend and business partner, Angie Tucker. Southern Sugar Bakery has been a full-time operation since July 2015 and specializes in custom decorated sugar cookies and cookie cakes.

Melanie Wilson

People’s Choice, 2016 and 2015

Melanie Wilson is the People’s Choice winner for two years running! Her Grapefruit Shandy Cupcakes won over the crowds in 2016, following the victory of her Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Cupcakes in 2015. Melanie’s love of baking began early on with her Mom in the kitchen. Trying new cupcake recipes has become a hobby, and all her friends and family enjoy the role of taste tester. She is a North Carolina native and lives with her husband and two daughters in Hillsborough. When not baking, she works as a GIS Analyst creating maps supporting air quality research.

Join us for Cupcakes & Cocktails on Sunday, June 11, 2:30-5pm, at Tandem in Carrboro. Enjoy a cupcake contest, the 2017 signature cocktail, live music, a wine wall, and more! Admission includes unlimited cupcakes and one drink ticket. Tickets can be purchased online for $40 per person by June 7, or if available, at the door for $50. See you there!

Myth: If a guy rapes someone, he probably didn’t mean to things just got out of control.

Fact: Perpetrators rape with intention, and they do so out of sexual entitlement, in order to gain power and control.

This myth is often used as an excuse for male aggression. It assumes that women and other survivors are responsible for male sexual arousal and that that arousal is an uncontrollable urge that must be satisfied. Other versions of this myth suggest that men may be too dumb or too bad at communication to recognize if a person is not interested, especially if he is drunk or aroused.

This myth gets two things wrong. Firstly, it lumps all men in the category of rapists. While most rapists are male, the vast majority of men never commit rape. Sexual arousal is a strong urge in human beings, but it is controllable. Claiming that men cannot control their urges is inaccurate and unfair to men. Secondly, it makes rape seem unintentional.

David Lisak’s research into what he terms “undetected rapists” has found that while perpetrators don’t name what they do as rape, they do intentionally use violent and predatory behavior in order to commit multiple acts of sexual violence. Lisak says: “Date rapists are widely assumed to be basically good guys who, because of a combination of too much alcohol and too little clear communication, end up coercing sex upon their partners. This image is widely promulgated, but it is flatly contradicted by research.”

The motives for rape are complex and varied but often include belief in male privilege and their entitlement to sex; hostility toward women and historically marginalized and oppressed people; a rigid belief system regarding gender roles; a commitment to hyper-masculinity; the desire to exert power and control; the desire to humiliate and degrade; and in some cases, the desire to inflict pain. A study of convicted sex offenders in prison found that most incarcerated rapists already have available and willing sexual partners. Many perpetrators rape in order to gain power and control – not for sexual gratification or because of sexual frustration. Sometimes, erection and ejaculation are not even present during the rape.

Yet because of cultural messages surrounding sex and a general lack of education about consent in our society, many people assume that rape is just a matter of confusion or miscommunication. But that’s not true. Rapists know when they do not have consent; they intentionally inflict violence on others. This is either for the gratification of the violence or because they have been taught that they are entitled to others’ bodies regardless of their feelings or desires.

There certainly may be situations where the desire for sex can be seen as a motive for rape. However, choosing to engage in sexual activity without the other person’s consent – that is, the definition of rape – is an expression of entitlement, power, and control.

This post is part of a series on Myths & Facts about Sexual Violence:

– Myth #1: “He Didn’t Mean To”
– Myth #2: “She Lied”
– Myth #3: “She Asked For It”
– Myth #4: “It Wasn’t Really Rape”

Take a moment to consider something we don’t always think about—a difficult topic that is rarely discussed: rape. We hear about it in the news, on social media, in public safety announcements, on TV. But we don’t always take the time to really think about rape. For example, if someone asked you for an explicit definition of rape right now, do you think you could give an accurate one?

If you’re as informed as the general public is, the answer to that question is probably no—and that’s okay! Because over the course of this blog series, we’ll be taking the time to break down the myths and facts about sexual violence.

Simply put, people tend to know more myths than facts about rape. Rape myths are dangerous because they normalize sexual violence and tell us that violence is the natural order of things. They say that only certain types of people can experience rape and only certain types of people can be perpetrators, which leads to victim-blaming and leaves the root causes of sexual violence unaddressed.

So why do people subscribe to rape myths?

• Because they believe in stereotypes and discriminatory ideas.
• Because they have never thought to question myths they have been told since childhood.
• Because the myths give them a sense of safety. For example, if you believe that women who dress provocatively are more likely to be raped, then you could take comfort in the idea that dressing modestly would protect you from violence.

It’s important that we recognize the myths that we ourselves hold about sexual violence because rape myths have serious consequences. Without critically rejecting them, we encourage perpetration, discourage bystander intervention, and promote victim blaming—sometimes without even realizing that we’re doing it.

People who accept rape myths are more likely to commit rape.
Rape myths act as a justification for perpetrators’ aggression—a way to rationalize what they’ve done as something other than violence. Perpetrators often believe that victims secretly want to be coerced into sex, or that they “deserve” to be raped. Rape myths allow perpetrators to justify their violent behaviors. And when bystanders make comments or jokes supporting rape myths, that encourages perpetrators and provides “cover” for their actions. In order to effectively prevent sexual violence in our society, we must address the common myths that support acceptance of rape, denigration of survivors, and impunity for perpetrators.

People who accept rape myths are less likely to intervene when they witness sexual violence.
Bystanders are less likely to intervene in cases of sexual assault when they accept rape myths. For example, a bystander may witness a situation in which someone is too drunk to consent, but they may not intervene because they accept the rape myth that victims are responsible for preventing their own assaults. When bystanders don’t intervene, rapists think their behavior is okay (or at least accepted by their peers), and it allows them to further rationalize the violence and continue to perpetrate.

People who accept rape myths are more likely to blame the victim.
Many rape myths disguise themselves as efforts to protect women—as “safety tips” to “prevent” rape. You’ve probably heard phrases like, “Use the buddy system,” “Don’t walk alone at night,” “Dress and act modestly,” or “Always carry a cell phone!” The idea that women are even partially responsible for preventing their own victimization leads to risk-reduction strategies that often encourage victim blaming. Regardless of the efficacy of these tips for any individual person, they fail to address the fundamental problem: the behavior of perpetrators.

Additionally, “while it’s not a bad thing for women to learn how to assess risk, learn self-defense, and learn how to define personal boundaries,” it puts the responsibility on the survivor to not be raped and does not guarantee their safety. Furthermore, if one person reduces their risk of rape by following a restrictive safety plan, they’re only trying to ensure that they’re not the person experiencing rape. This is not true prevention because the perpetrator will end up targeting someone else. Only by addressing perpetrator responsibility and active bystander intervention can we help make everyone safer and ensure that we are all able to live without fear and constraint.

The pervasive nature of common rape myths often plays a big role in keeping survivors silent, increasing feelings of self-blame and stigma that survivors experience after an assault. Identifying and recognizing harmful beliefs as myths can help us support survivors with compassion and without question.

In honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we are going to explore the following common myths and explain the facts that counter them over the next few weeks. 

– Myth #1: “He Didn’t Mean To”
– Myth #2: “She Lied”
– Myth #3: “She Asked For It”
– Myth #4: “It Wasn’t Really Rape”

If you want to make an end to sexual violence in your community we hope that you’ll follow along and start important conversations with your friends and family about these damaging beliefs.