Myth: If she didn’t say no or fight back, then it wasn’t really rape.

Fact: If the victim was incapable of consent, if they were too scared to say no, or if they were coerced, then it was rape.

This myth assumes that victims will act a certain way during an assault. Many people imagine how they might react to the threat of violence. But without personal experience or an understanding of victim psychology, these imaginings are often not very close to reality. Furthermore, everyone reacts differently to the threat of violence, and there’s no “right” or “wrong” way for a victim to respond.

This myth also assumes that perpetrators are incapable of recognizing whether or not the victim is consenting unless they verbally say no. But people give or withhold consent in a nonverbal way all the time. The perpetrator is capable of recognizing and responding appropriately to nonverbal cues; they just choose to ignore them.

Many victims may be too scared to say no.

Sometimes the perpetrator may verbally threaten violence; sometimes the act itself or the physical size or strength of the perpetrator may cause the victim to fear further violence. Further, many victims may be so afraid that they are incapable of saying no. We often hear about the human “fight or flight” response. These two responses call up extra bursts of energy to either fight off an attacker or flee a dangerous situation. Both of these responses mean the victim has some hope of survival. But when the victim is so overwhelmed that they feel they have no hope of avoiding the danger, they may freeze instead of fighting or fleeing. Some victims may pass out, and others may disassociate, meaning they mentally detach from their bodies in order to avoid processing the trauma happening to them. The freeze response stops the victim from being capable of saying no, fighting back, or running from the attack. It may also prevent them from feeling pain during the attack and may cause them to have incomplete or even no memories afterward. In light of this additional freeze response, most psychologists now refer to the “fight, flight, or freeze” response.

Someone who is incapacitated by drugs or alcohol is incapable of giving consent.

If a person is incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, they are unable to consent to sex— even if they verbally say yes. Oftentimes, we think of “incapacitated” as someone who is asleep or unconscious, but the truth is that sometimes, a person is incapacitated but is still able to walk, talk and retain some basic functioning skills. However, that person is still unable to give consent because they are incapable of making informed, rational judgments. A helpful analogy for this situation is that if a person is too drunk to drive, they are probably too drunk to give clear, conscious consent. Many of us have likely heard the myth that if a person chooses to engage in drug or alcohol use, they are responsible for taking care of themselves and making sure that no one takes advantage of them. This statement is untrue and blames survivors for their own assaults. In reality, the person initiating each sex act is always responsible for obtaining clear consent, regardless of their own or others’ level of intoxication.   

Someone who is coerced into sexual activity is not giving active consent.

If they were bribed, threatened, or blackmailed, then that is not true consent. Additionally, someone who is emotionally manipulated or worn down from repeated requests for sex may not be giving active consent either. The bottom line is that consent to any form of sexual activity is enthusiastic, affirmative, conscious, and freely-made. It is not transferrable from one time to the next—consent must be sought and received every single time. Consent is an ongoing process and is constantly communicated between partners through mutually understandable words or actions. Everyone has a responsibility to make sure their partner(s) feel happy and safe when engaging in any form of sexual activity.

This post is part of a series on Myths & Facts about Sexual Violence:

– Myth #1: “He Didn’t Mean To”
– Myth #2: “She Lied”
– Myth #3: “She Asked For It”
– Myth #4: “It Wasn’t Really Rape”

The OCRCC is deeply saddened and troubled by the recent ICE raids in Orange County. We want to express our solidarity with our Latinx and immigrant community, and our appreciation of the actions that El Centro Hispano has already taken. Raids like these damage individuals and communities and tear apart families- families that are often already disproportionately disadvantaged. Words never seem sufficient in expressing our disappointment and pain as we work to come to terms with the fear and chaos that these raids have created. The OCRCC would also like to reiterate that our services are confidential and that client information is kept private to the full extent allowed by law. If you have any questions about confidentiality, we welcome them. In an effort to minimize misinformation or create unnecessary panic, we encourage you to fact check any information you share and to reach out to El Centro Hispano for updates.

We offer our love and support to all those who have been impacted by these attacks on our community, and we offer the below resources (thanks to the Latino Health Coalition for sharing). Additionally, traumatic events like this may trigger previous traumas, including those resulting from sexual violence. If you or someone you know could benefit from our bilingual, free and confidential services, please contact our 24 hour help line at 1-866-WE LISTEN.

El Centro de Asistencia contra la Violencia Sexual está profundamente entristecido y preocupado por las recientes redadas de ICE en el Condado de Orange. Queremos expresar solidaridad con nuestra comunidad Latina e inmigrante, además de nuestro aprecio por las acciones que El Centro Hispano ha llevado a cabo. Redadas como esta lesionan no sólo a los individuos sino también a la comunidad en general, además de separar a las familias; familias que frecuentemente ya están desproporcionadamente en desventaja. Las palabras nunca son suficientes para expresar la decepción y el dolor que se siente a medida que trabajamos para llegar a un acuerdo con el miedo y el caos que estas redadas han creado. El Centro de Asistencia contra la Violencia Sexual también quiere reiterar que nuestros servicios son confidenciales y que la información de los clientes se mantiene privada a la medida que es permitido por la ley. Todas las preguntas que tenga sobre la confidencialidad serán bienvenidas. En un esfuerzo por minimizar la desinformación o crear pánico, los alentamos a que verifiquen la información que comparten y que se comuniquen con el Centro Hispano para mayor información.  

 Ofrecemos nuestro cariño y soporte a todas las personas que han sido impactadas por estos ataques a la comunidad, y ofrecemos los recursos mencionados más adelante (agradecemos a la Coalición de Salud Latina por compartir estos recursos). Asimismo, queremos reiterar que eventos traumáticos como este pueden detonar síntomas de trauma, incluidos aquellos relacionados con la violencia sexual. Si usted o alguien que usted conoce se puede beneficiar de nuestros servicios bilingües, gratuitos y confidenciales, por favor llame a nuestra línea de 24 horas 7 días a la semana al 1-866-935-4783.

Some attorneys recommended by El Centro/Algunos abogados recomendados por El Centro:

• Jack Rockers – 919-688-1788 – http://hatchrockers.com/contact/
• Beckie Moriello – 919-376-2933- https://www.linkedin.com/in/beckiemoriello/
• Yesenia Polanco – 919-294-8032 – https://www.polancolawpc.com/

Additional Resources/ Recursos adicionales:

Emergency Planning Guide for North Carolina Immigrants (English/Spanish)/ Guia de emergencia para los inmigrantes de Carolina del Norte: http://www.ncjustice.org/sites/default/files/EMERGENCY%20PLANNING%20GUIDE%20for%20IMMIGRANTS–final-web.pdf

Red Cards (English/Spanish)/tarjetas rojas: https://www.ilrc.org/red-cards

Know Your Rights (Various Languages)/ conoce tus derechos:
https://www.aclu.org/feature/know-your-rights-discrimination-against-immigrants-and-muslims?redirect=feature/know-your-rights-immigration#immigration

NC Justice Center has a website they designed to inform individuals about their rights when detained by police and/or ICE.  It’s available in English and Spanish, and has links for certain available resources. Este sitio esta diseñado para informar a los individuos acerca de sus derechos cuando son detenidos por la policía y/o ICE. Está en inglés y español y tiene links para otros recursos:  http://pickedupnc.com/en/

In honor of Relationship Violence Awareness Month, we bring you the first in a blog series by our resident expert on high school students,  Trinity Casimir.

What does an abusive relationship look like? When having conversations in school health classes or watching a movie, an abusive relationship conjures up certain images: a woman taking her children and escaping her husband on a Greyhound bus, broken dishes on the floor, a child carefully choosing outfits to conceal bruises, yelling in the night. While these scenarios are real and devastating, they do not encompass the full definition of abuse. What about the people suffering when no one has laid a finger on them? What about the men and boys pressured to appear invincible when they are hurt? What about high school students, whose relationships are fundamentally different from those of married couples, or even adults in general?

While most students are taught how to identify abuse, they may only be taught to see a narrow set of signs.  According to stoprelationshipabuse.org, relationship abuse includes a wide variety of tactics used to create a power imbalance in the relationship. Behaviors like emotional coercion, isolation, and intimidation can be used in any relationship at any age. A primary reason many teenagers in abusive relationships struggle to name that reality is because they do not identify with the victim that they see portrayed in media or that they learn about in health class. Likewise, teenagers who engage in abuse excuse their behavior because they have never seen themselves as the abuser. What abuse looks like in a high school relationship has yet to be illustrated, and toxic behaviors are quickly becoming normalized. In my school, it is almost commonplace for a partner to prevent their significant other from talking to groups of people or wearing certain clothes, to guilt trip and threaten them. These are all real forms of abuse but are often dismissed simply as childish behavior or as a result of hormones.

Another primary reason abusive relationships in high school go unaddressed is a failure on the part of adults to take teenagers’ relationships seriously. Adults who do not consider the gravity of teenagers’ romantic lives will fail to recognize the severity of abuse when it happens, which in turn deters high schoolers from reporting abuse. By seeking help, a student risks retribution, and when the adult takes no action, a student is left even more vulnerable. When students feel that they have no adult support or advocacy, they are severely limited in their options to escape an abusive relationship.

Some resources do, however, center teen lives and provide insight into how to help teens cope with relationship abuse. The website loveisrespect.org demonstrates the obstacles that youth in particular face in abusive relationships, and goes further to highlight the ways that identity matters with an exploration of special issues for certain cultures, LGBT+ couples, and immigration status that can further hinder someone from seeking help or addressing the toxicity of their relationship. For the more visually-minded, the One Love Foundation has created a series of videos on Youtube clearly contrasting healthy and unhealthy behaviors in a relationship. These videos give scenarios that allow for a difficult topic to be easily understood and are an excellent teaching tool for parents and teachers. The foundation also produced a film called “Escalation” that is recommended for a high school workshop.

So to answer the question, “What does an abusive relationship look like?”, it takes many different forms- all of which are valid and important to identify. Abusive relationships in high school remain underrepresented in the media, so we must take it upon ourselves to question “normalized” behaviors and encourage teenagers to do so in their own lives. Pushing for authority figures in schools to become educated on various types of abuse is also fundamental to create a supportive community that can ensure a safer environment for high schoolers.

_____

Trinity is is volunteer at the OCRCC and a student at East Chapel Hill High School. She is interested in sociology and the intersections between gender, race, and sexual assault as well as the presence of rape culture among youth. She is also a member of the Youth Against Rape Culture club at East.

If you are concerned that your child has been exposed to inappropriate touching or child sexual abuse, you might wonder how to begin a conversation. With years of experience as both parent and educator, I’d like to offer some guidance on where to start with this difficult topic.

Start by talking about touches and who they like them from. I like to start the conversation by asking if I could give them a high five or a hug. I respect their response. I then talk about different types of touches so they understand that they may like some touches, but not others.

Do you like hugs? Holding hands? Tickles? Kisses?

Then talk about who they like certain touches from.

Do you like hugs from me? Your friend? Your teacher? Your brother or sister?

When do you like those touches?

This lets them know they can like different touches from different people and at different times.

Once this base of understanding is established, you can then talk about feelings around certain people.

How do you feel when you are around___________?

(If they are young and don’t have a large feelings vocabulary, try offering some examples such as happy, safe, worried, sad, and uncomfortable.)

Young children might not be able to relate detailed and chronological descriptions, but they will remember how experiences and interactions made them feel.

Has anyone has touched your body in a way that makes you feel hurt or sad?

Has anyone touched your body without asking first?

Kids might start listing all the times a kid at school or a sibling poked, pinched, or hit them. If you try to justify the actions, explain why it happened, or say it wasn’t a big deal, the child will learn that it is not safe to share with you. Listen to them and validate their feelings. They may be testing you with these stories to see how you will respond and if they can trust you enough to share a story about something that really hurt or scared them.

Has anyone touched the private parts of your body?

If they mention things like helping in the bathroom or getting dressed or at the doctor, explain that it is okay for some grownups to touch your private parts if they are helping to keep you safe and healthy. However, they should still ask first. If they don’t feel comfortable with some adults helping them, make a plan for what they can do to get help from a different adult – an adult they trust.

Has anyone told you to keep a secret that is making you feel worried/sad/scared?

A common tactic of offenders is to tell the child to keep it secret, with the explicit or implied threat of getting in trouble if they tell.

Your body belongs to you. If something that someone said or did is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, it is not your fault.

You deserve to feel safe and I want to help you.

If the child talks about touches they don’t like, people that make them feel sad or uncomfortable, or instances of inappropriate touch, you can validate their feelings and let them know it is not their fault.

It is okay to like different touches from different people.

I can understand how that would make you feel that way.

You look worried or upset, can you tell me how it makes you feel to talk about this?

If someone didn’t ask you first, then it was not okay for them to touch your body at all.

If someone showed you their private parts or asked you to touch them, and you did, it is not your fault. They knew it was wrong and they should not have done that.

If at any point they disclose sexual touching or abuse, stay calm. If you demonstrate anger toward the person that did that, the child might also think you are mad at them, or that they did something wrong. They need your support and help.

Thank you for sharing with me.

I know it is hard/scary/confusing to talk about this and you are so brave.

It is not your fault, you have not done anything wrong.

No one should touch your body without your permission.

Then call DSS to make a report. And you can always call our 24-Hour Help Line for support, concerns, or questions. We can help you make a report if you’d like.

Even if your child does not disclose inappropriate touching, don’t stop the conversation. Revisit this with your young children on a regular basis. The best protection for children is prevention. Let your child know that their body belongs to them and you respect that. And always model asking before touching.

Every night before bed, I ask my growing son if he would like a hug or a kiss. Some days he says yes and some days he says no. In fact, he is 12 now and most days he says no. But every once in a while he says yes and squeezes me tight. I want him to know that I will respect his body autonomy and that I am always there if he needs a little extra physical and emotional support.

When I model this behavior for my child, I am hopeful that he will internalize the concept of consent before touching and be comfortable with asking, especially when he starts having intimate relationships. This is true prevention.

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Alexis Kralic is our Education & Finance Coordinator. In addition to managing the agency’s finances and bookkeeping, she coordinates Safe Touch, our safety education program for preschool and elementary students.

If you want to learn more please join us at our next Stewards of Children training. Info below:

Myth: If a guy rapes someone, he probably didn’t mean to things just got out of control.

Fact: Perpetrators rape with intention, and they do so out of sexual entitlement, in order to gain power and control.

This myth is often used as an excuse for male aggression. It assumes that women and other survivors are responsible for male sexual arousal and that that arousal is an uncontrollable urge that must be satisfied. Other versions of this myth suggest that men may be too dumb or too bad at communication to recognize if a person is not interested, especially if he is drunk or aroused.

This myth gets two things wrong. Firstly, it lumps all men in the category of rapists. While most rapists are male, the vast majority of men never commit rape. Sexual arousal is a strong urge in human beings, but it is controllable. Claiming that men cannot control their urges is inaccurate and unfair to men. Secondly, it makes rape seem unintentional.

David Lisak’s research into what he terms “undetected rapists” has found that while perpetrators don’t name what they do as rape, they do intentionally use violent and predatory behavior in order to commit multiple acts of sexual violence. Lisak says: “Date rapists are widely assumed to be basically good guys who, because of a combination of too much alcohol and too little clear communication, end up coercing sex upon their partners. This image is widely promulgated, but it is flatly contradicted by research.”

The motives for rape are complex and varied but often include belief in male privilege and their entitlement to sex; hostility toward women and historically marginalized and oppressed people; a rigid belief system regarding gender roles; a commitment to hyper-masculinity; the desire to exert power and control; the desire to humiliate and degrade; and in some cases, the desire to inflict pain. A study of convicted sex offenders in prison found that most incarcerated rapists already have available and willing sexual partners. Many perpetrators rape in order to gain power and control – not for sexual gratification or because of sexual frustration. Sometimes, erection and ejaculation are not even present during the rape.

Yet because of cultural messages surrounding sex and a general lack of education about consent in our society, many people assume that rape is just a matter of confusion or miscommunication. But that’s not true. Rapists know when they do not have consent; they intentionally inflict violence on others. This is either for the gratification of the violence or because they have been taught that they are entitled to others’ bodies regardless of their feelings or desires.

There certainly may be situations where the desire for sex can be seen as a motive for rape. However, choosing to engage in sexual activity without the other person’s consent – that is, the definition of rape – is an expression of entitlement, power, and control.

This post is part of a series on Myths & Facts about Sexual Violence:

– Myth #1: “He Didn’t Mean To”
– Myth #2: “She Lied”
– Myth #3: “She Asked For It”
– Myth #4: “It Wasn’t Really Rape”